Desperate times call for desperate measures

To make ends meet, the Christmas nutcracker has been moonlighting as other holiday icons, as seen here. Someone should give the poor guy some tips, like don't hold the horseshoe upside-down, and the rectangular white beard is for the Uncle Sam gig in July only. Geez.

Whoooo is it?

Some unsuspecting child received this exquisite cat-like owl slug. Why must people do this to children? Pure evil, I say.

Trash to treasure

This is a shirt-shaped wall hanging. At first glance I thought it was just concentric circles, but I looked deeper and found a bunch of olives designed by Andy Warhol. Maybe I will forge his signature in the corner and sell it on ebay.

Here lies basketball...(part 2)

R.I.P.

Basketball was a great sport, and now it has come to its final resting place. Again. Here is the participation trophy my children received for basketball this year. Please don't let Morty the Mortician order again next time. The kids are starting to get depressed.

For a hairy time, let's play...

Now I have seen it all. Sure to be on the shelves of your local Big Lots next to the plastic grasshopper dissection kit.

When pigs fly

From the same person who received the corncob Pippi Longstocking, we have this fine specimen of a gift. I guess we are supposed to smile because we are not the winged obese swine sitting atop of this rock adorned in gothic-looking vines. Yes, that is reason enough to smile.

My eyes are bleeding

A reader sent in this toothy one-footed wonder with Pippi Longstocking pigtails and the latest in jail wear. Also it is made out of a corncob. It is holding a sign that reads "YOU DESERVE SOMETHING SPECIAL- ME!" Whatever you have done to deserve this, please don't ever do it again.